Perfection Is Costing You Your Joy

You’re doing all the “right” things, chasing your goals, optimizing your schedule, showing up for everyone else, yet… something still feels off.

You’re stuck in your head. You replay conversations. You second-guess decisions. You hold yourself to impossible standards. And deep down, you believe that if you could just do more, be more, get it right… you’d finally feel calm. Whole. Worthy.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

Perfectionism and overthinking are some of the most socially rewarded—yet spiritually draining—patterns that high-achieving women carry, especially during times of change. But they’re not personality quirks.

They’re survival strategies.

The Psychology Behind Perfectionism and Overthinking

Let’s get honest: perfectionism isn’t just about wanting things to go well—it’s about fearing what happens if they don’t.

According to renowned psychologist Dr. Gordon Flett, perfectionism often stems from early life experiences where love and safety felt conditional on achievement or performance (Flett & Hewitt, 2002). Over time, we internalize the belief: “If I do everything perfectly, I’ll avoid rejection or failure.”‍

Overthinking, or “perseverative cognition,” is similarly rooted in our nervous system’s survival programming. It’s the brain’s attempt to control the uncontrollable by analyzing every possible outcome. But this mental looping has physiological consequences. Studies show that chronic overthinking increases cortisol, disrupts sleep, and is directly linked to inflammation and heightened risk of anxiety and depression (Brosschot et al., 2005).

This is not just in your mind, it’s in your body, and it’s bloody exhausting!

Burnout, Depression, and the Illusion of Worth

Perfectionistic individuals are significantly more vulnerable to burnout and depression (Flett et al., 2016). Why? Because when your self-worth is tied to doing and producing, rest starts to feel unsafe. Even joy feels like a luxury you haven’t earned.

In short: perfectionism and overthinking create a treadmill you can’t get off.

And eventually, your nervous system starts to break down under the pressure.

Ritual: The Antidote to Overthinking

Here’s the good news: we can rewrite the script.

Not through more doing, but through being. Through ritual.

Unlike rigid routines, rituals are mindful, intentional practices that anchor us back into the body. Neuroscience confirms that rituals—even secular ones—enhance emotional regulation, improve performance under pressure, and reduce anxiety (Norton & Gino, 2014). They cue safety to the brain, allowing us to shift out of hypervigilance and back into presence.

Rituals also awaken a deeper truth: that you don’t have to earn your worth. You just have to remember it.

Worthiness Is Remembered, Not Earned

One of the core principles in spiritual psychotherapy is that we are already whole at the soul level (Cortright, 1997). Perfectionism arises when we forget this. When we believe our value lies in our productivity or how flawlessly we show up for others.

But the truth is: your worth was never meant to be proven. It was meant to be embodied.

This is the radical shift: from self-optimization to self-remembrance. From thinking your way through life to feeling your way back home.

Try These Soulful Rituals to Interrupt the Inner Critic

Start small. Stay consistent.

The Morning Candle Ritual

Light a candle and whisper: “I am already enough.” Let it be a sacred start to your day.

Write a Letter to Your Inner Critic

Ask her: What are you trying to protect me from? What do you need? Understand her role, then gently reparent her.

5-Minute Body Scan

Start at the crown of your head and scan down to your toes. Notice where tension lives and breathe into it.

Hand-on-Heart Intention

Before your workday, place your palm on your chest. Say aloud: “Today, I lead from softness, not striving.”

Final Thought: You Were Never Broken

Perfectionism and overthinking likely protected you at some point in your life. But they are not your destiny.

When you root your life in ritual, presence, and soul-connection—you begin to dismantle the illusion that worth is something you need to chase.

You start to feel safe in your own being, and in that safety, the striving softens, and the true you—the one that’s always been whole—starts to rise.

References

• Brosschot, J. F., Gerin, W., & Thayer, J. F. (2005). The perseverative cognition hypothesis: A review of worry, prolonged stress-related physiological activation, and health. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 60(2), 113–124. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpsychores.2005.06.074
• Cortright, B. (1997). Psychotherapy and Spirit: Theory and Practice in Transpersonal Psychotherapy. SUNY Press.
• Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2002). Perfectionism: Theory, research, and treatment. American Psychological Association.
• Flett, G. L., Nepon, T., & Hewitt, P. L. (2016). Perfectionism, worry, and rumination in depression and suicidality. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 34(3), 159–176. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10942-016-0235-0
• Norton, M. I., & Gino, F. (2014). Rituals alleviate grieving for loved ones, lovers, and lotteries. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(1), 266–272. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0031772

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